This past month God has been continuing to teach me something He has consistently been teaching me the past couple of years. He has been teaching me how to rest. I am a nervous person. I’m anxious and antsy and just an all-around mess. When there are things to do I find myself incapable of resting, even if I have an approved break, because I think and think about what my next task is. Of course, being on Workstaff, I always had something to do in a couple hours. I would try to take a nap, but lie awake staring at the ceiling. I would try to sit and read, but keep closing the book trying to remember what was next. In all of this, there was a nagging at the back of my mind whispering, “Rest, rest, rest.” I was angry at that voice. I was trying to rest! Can’t you see?
God quite literally let me be knocked upside the head early in the summer. I had a concussion and an infection in my mouth within the first couple of weeks. This forced me to rest, and when I became frustrated with my inability to do so, I had no choice but to contemplate why that was. My Lord is so sweet and gentle, but He knew that it would take force to get me to understand Him. I am stubborn. He taught, and is continuing to teach me that I was finding my worth in my ability to do—to do work, to do relationships, to do what I was “supposed” to. In my constant striving for usefulness, I had beaten into submission that part of me which allows for a rest.
I still haven’t quite gotten it. God has spoken loving, restful truth into my heart, but my brain hasn’t quite gotten it. As I walk prayerfully through the rest of this summer and into the school year, I know that the God who has begun a good work in me will bring it to completion. I will continue to praise the Lord for His wisdom and sovereignty as He lovingly deals with me, an imperfect, hard-headed, worrisome disciple. Praise Him forever!