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ellie kendall

workstaff

This past month God has been continuing to teach me something He has consistently been teaching me the past couple of years. He has been teaching me how to rest. I am a nervous person. I’m anxious and antsy and just an all-around mess. When there are things to do I find myself incapable of resting, even if I have an approved break, because I think and think about what my next task is. Of course, being on Workstaff, I always had something to do in a couple hours. I would try to take a nap, but lie awake staring at the ceiling. I would try to sit and read, but keep closing the book trying to remember what was next. In all of this, there was a nagging at the back of my mind whispering, “Rest, rest, rest.” I was angry at that voice. I was trying to rest! Can’t you see?

God quite literally let me be knocked upside the head early in the summer. I had a concussion and an infection in my mouth within the first couple of weeks. This forced me to rest, and when I became frustrated with my inability to do so, I had no choice but to contemplate why that was. My Lord is so sweet and gentle, but He knew that it would take force to get me to understand Him. I am stubborn. He taught, and is continuing to teach me that I was finding my worth in my ability to do—to do work, to do relationships, to do what I was “supposed” to. In my constant striving for usefulness, I had beaten into submission that part of me which allows for a rest.

I still haven’t quite gotten it. God has spoken loving, restful truth into my heart, but my brain hasn’t quite gotten it. As I walk prayerfully through the rest of this summer and into the school year, I know that the God who has begun a good work in me will bring it to completion. I will continue to praise the Lord for His wisdom and sovereignty as He lovingly deals with me, an imperfect, hard-headed, worrisome disciple. Praise Him forever!